When I was younger, I used to read as much Qur’an as possible during Ramadan. I would perform all these ‘good’ deeds, and work hard to please Allah (Swt). I used to use the time to reflect upon the previous year and hope to improve my imaan and spirit for the best.
So basically, I was using Ramadan for its very purpose.
But a few years ago I got into a serious argument with a friend during Ramadan. I was stunned. How could someone get angry at someone during Ramadan? The best month of the year, one in which Shaythaan has been chained up, so we can focus on improving ourselves? How is that even possible? Mind you, at the time it had been years since I had gotten into an argument with someone outside my immediate family, so that might have affected my reaction.
The person remained mad at me for the next few weeks, ignoring me whenever they saw me, and being obnoxious at times. At one point, having little experience with making up with non-family members (I mean my family forgets we’re mad at each other after at most an hour), I came up with some silly method to apologize (even though I was convinced I was right.) It was Ramadan after all, how could I waste the month with someone being angry at me? It was an innocent thought, and now thinking about it, was quite ridiculous, since I could have easily went up to them and apologized. The way I apologized was by printing out this cute hadith that said something about how Muslim brothers should always be friends with one another. My friend made it difficult to find them alone. They refused initially to meet me, which just surprised me further. My friend, who didn’t see what it was, thought I had written some sort of contract and was asking him to sign it. So the matter became much more worse…
Anyway, I don’t want to bore anyone with the details, but since that incident, Ramadan lost its magic. I always thought people were happy, and in a mood to be kind to one another. It was a time to forgive and work on bettering yourself. Long-term anger, especially this which continued even after Ramadan was over, didn’t fit in my little bubble of how Ramadan was supposed to be.
And no matter what I do, Ramadan no longer is this amazing special time for me. I can’t get myself to read the Qur’an more than I usually do, or perform good deeds (in fact I seem to have gotten a lot more moodier and angsty), and I don’t have much interest in pleasing Allah. I still force myself to do things, such as performing all the taraweeh prayers I can, going to halaqas, and doing a few good things, but none of it makes these days feel special.